Updates

Since the last time I've been on this thing, a lot has happened! Where do I even begin to update you guys on what has been going on since. Well, we aren't pregnant, that's for sure. Unfortunate news, done for. But on the bright side, my mother-in-law is planning on retiring from Kumon, after 25 great years of service to this organization! Can you believe that? 25 years of doing Kumon. For all those years, she's seen the organization go from humble beginnings to what it has become now, a global market! Kumon has flourished and become a global brand, everyone knows the brand, that it's an afterschool MATH AND READING program. The fact that we are able to keep the business within the family name is such an honor. She graciously decided to hand over the reigns onto me, so I'll be running the 2nd branch, as of April 2019. With that comes greater responsibilities. The location that my husband and I are running now has grown, immensely! We are so close to reaching max capacity in our location that we are busting at the seams. We'll have to either move to another location with more space to accommodate all the students, expanding our space either to the next unit. Or, we'll have to open more days. But I'm hoping we won't. I'm in the training process of taking over the 2nd location, while I'm in the 1st year of my Early Education Studies program. We just took our last exam of the first semester of the program. How exciting! It went much more smoothly than I expected. I was in great distress about continuing with the program, alongside taking over the 2nd location, along with managing the 1st Kumon location but I think I'll manage just fine. After this last exam, I realized that the friendships I've made and the values I've learned through this first semester has taught me a great deal. My only concern about continuing on with my education is that, something will have to give. Either the quality of the Kumon centres will not be as great, or my grades will sink. I only have 24 hours in a day, 7-8 hours of it goes into sleep. I will not budge on my sleep! But at the same time the hours I have for social life, running Kumon, managing Kumon, up keeping with it and having to go to class plus studying. It's almost impossible. On top of this demanding schedule, the pressure to get pregnant, have a child and start a family. Someone please tell me, how do I go about this?

Less IS More

When it comes to decorating my newly renovated house, and when I say new, I mean like two years since I've moved into this place. I still struggle with the aesthetics of the whole place. Decorating and how to arrange and re-arrange my space. I like things to be placed in certain places and I like things to look decorative and colorful. That was until most recently when I started glimpsing around to new modern spaces. It's then that I've realized that truly, Less is indeed more. So now a days with not just the decor in my house or where I have to place certain things, I'm coming to realize that I must let go of things that no longer hold a place in my life or no longer have a place to call home in my new home. There's a lot more depth for some things than others. So with that, I'd like to re-organize my life as well with the motto that rings true in all areas of my life as of yet, that Less Is More.

updates

today reality hit me.

why hasn't the skeletons in my closet and the bones that lie dormant in my everyday life lie dormant? why must they come to haunt me time and time again. today, I got a call from the nursing home that I placed my grandma and sick uncles at. as much as I hate to admit the hatred I have towards the whole situation, I can't help but to lament the death of the care I once held. now, with the help of outside resources and my inner strength, I can stand here and lie my foot down as an adult to the ones who were supposed to remain the adults in my life. but somehow, how have the roles of children to adults been reversed? how have I grown into this kind of a woman? the kind who remains unmoved and unfaltering towards the ones that I love the most? its that kind of a relationship that I have with the ones that I love? my old self remains somewhere deep inside of me. my insecurities of wanting to be remembered and the old self of who I once was as a strong independent and capable little girl surviving a big world all on her own in the big city of la has now become a dignified adult. I do believe inside of me that I have become a mature and no non-sense person. logic has outweighed my reasoning and everything needs to make sense. I have to give credit to my current influences. those who have achieved way more than I could in my lifetime, who teach me without reason how to reason. they teach me the depth of how a mind can delve into knowledge and how far knowledge can lead you to greater things. but above it all, my baby brother whom I love so dearly and the one who I highly respect has risen to such high ground. he's proven himself more capable than high. who holds his head up high and holds his ground. he has taught me more about myself than I thought otherwise.

i'm thankful for the roads that are leading me to higher grounds, to the successes and failures that lie ahead. i'm grateful for it all.

i'm letting go of control over situations that I have no control over.

#growingpains

Current mood:

My one year

My first year, to be exact.

July 13th, marked my first year since the day I arrived and moved all my things plus myself to Toronto. Since then, it's been quite a transition period, adjusting to the new enviroment, people, community, life, weather, etc. I haven't fully grasped the kind of commitment that I made when I decided to pack my things and move. I only saw the bright side of things and hoped for the best. When things got bad in the first couple of months since I moved, I had a big struggle going on inside me, waging war against the temptation to move back to LA. Why did I move? What did I leave behind? What have I done? But it was easy to pull myself back together and realize that the next morning always brought on another day to face whatever it was that came my way. It's really weird to say that for all this time since last July, it's felt like a long vacation mode and now I'm back to facing reality. I'm allowing myself to see the kind of commitment I have made and giving myself more credit than I felt like I deserved. When I first told people, mainly new people I've met here, where I'm from, what brought me here and the such; it was easy to explain and be happy with my decision. But looking in hindsight, I'm realizing that the responses were almost always the same. "Why did you leave sunny California? Have you experienced a Canadian winter? R. is a lucky man." And now I'm seeing why their responses were almost always the same. The weather here is always changing. One day the weather is beautiful and its beaming with the summer sun. But the next day brings on gloomy clouds and showers, sometimes followed by thunderstorms throughout the night. Then there is the winter that is LONG and when I mean long, I don't mean a couple of months but from Dec all the way to April, there is snow, everywhere. If my weather network app is not on my phone, I will never know how to dress or what kind of weather to anticipate as I exit my house to embrace the day. The summer, though, has brought on a new light in my house and my life. The way the natural lighting hits the walls of my house through the sky lights has really got me into good moods. But when the sun is out and the day doesn't end til 9-10pm, you really don't want to stay within the 4 walls of your house. You want to be out and roaming in the grass doing whatever it is to smell the summer breeze. And, drinking on the patio with a pair of sunglasses on is definitely something I've come to fully appreciate in all its glory. It's amazing to see how many people reside in such a small city such as Toronto. I mean, everyone is out either walking or riding their bikes in the summer. I didn't understand R. when he would say that to me during the harshest of winters but now, I have seen and now have come to believe for myself. I don't know what it is about today that's spurred me into this realization and has got me thinking about all the things I've left behind, the people, weather and surroundings. I guess, it's like you don't realize what you have until you don't have it any longer. I've definitely taken for granted the fabulous weather in LA and am nostalgic about my time spent with family and friends. I miss their presence, laughing, eating and drinking with them. Sharing a korean bbq grill amongst my loved ones. Driving the streets of LA with the windows down and facing the horrendous traffic. Things I'm sure my friends and family in LA have found to become a normality. I mean I could be living in Honduras and have the same complaints, I'm basing on my own assumptions. But, today, I'm very nostalgic and having a moment to think back about life back in California. Will I ever move back? I mean, even if I do end up going back, I wonder if I'll have the same memories as I've had since I've left them. I'm sure things have changed even within the past year that I've been gone. I know for sure, people change. Who they once were are no longer who they are now. And something happens to people as they grow older and wiser, they lose a bit of their innocence and trust in the goodness of humanity. Or maybe I'm just speaking to myself, ABOUT myself. haha. Whatever it is, I'm sure that everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be and everything is within the spectrum of the Father's will. And no matter how much I try to rationalize life, circumstances and situations, I know in the end all and be all, all I can say is, God speed.

It was all a dream..

We fight, we love. It's life. Today he seems to have calmed down a lot. Today, he's alot more loving and back to normality. But man, when the guy is angry as F*#%- it's pretty much game overs for me. He's harmful and spiky like a porcupine. Someone wise once told me to see him as the victim. The one who needs more love than i do myself. He's the one who hasn't received much love from his parents so maybe that's why he is the way he is? A big baby sometimes and so that's why he so craves and needs that validation/acceptance & love, from me, his wife.  Yet, I find it most intriguing though- why he never settled down with anyone from his past? Women who I'm sure carried strengths I could never have myself, a calmness about them with patience that is characterized as virtues? Why when I came around-  how he knew that I'd be his last? "The One", or as he calls me, His Match. I still think about it day and night, what is was/is about me that keeps not just his interest but his devotion and perseverance. We both want out, at times, but in the end- we always tend to stick it through. But, I can't help to ask myself- Why? What keeps us together? Is it really, our love? Some say, love changes, and I have heard others say that, love fades and all you're left with in the end is a flawed person. Yet, when my emotions have passed, I sit here facing the man who cannot help but hurt me unintentionally and still I'm able to see a perfect man. The perfect man, for me. This time and every time we talk about splitting, leaving, or even seeing other people, I just cannot imagine myself doing that. I can't imagine giving myself to anyone as openly and as easily as I once have in my younger, more vulnerable years of my life. Now, as I'm approaching the door to my 30's, I'm more closed-minded, and won't allow myself to tolerate any bull-sh#%, in myself and from my marriage, including my husband. I demand myself loyalty & honesty. To give it and to receive it back in return. I feel myself shaving off a layer of the old and coming into some new skin. Like a snake sheds its old layer, so am I becoming someone new. Someone better for the world, myself, and most importantly, for my husband. Today, I step back from being that needy & insecure, can't live or do anything without you self, to the, I am content with myself and if it's really not me (as a whole) that you want to be with, then continue to base your life to that and move on.. But today, well technically, yesterday, He put me in my place by saying that he would not argue with me any longer and that I should know that, he would never ever leave me for anyone else. And, it has been re-iterated about a 1,000,000 x's.

This trip has really caused me to look at myself and evaluate the state of my heart and my mind. So my thoughts do dictate the outcome of my life. Negativity plays its role & brings down not just my life but my soul. Thinking positively does make one more grateful and forms me to become a more charming and loving person, a person that I intend to be. May I clothe myself with an exterior that covers me from allowing any negativity from outside sources from effecting my inside world- my thoughts, my feelings, my actions and reactions. I pray to find balance. To remain at a constant being. Being a strong woman, i find, entails one to have a rich inner life, wisdom that flows from the soul and allows others to grow in themselves the same qualities and characteristics that you have obtained yourself throughout the years. 

We live because that is what life is, learning, feeling, experiencing- and with everything that plays out, it all finds its place back to it's place. The soul, the mind, the heart. Today, I have found in myself a richness of growth and a calmness in my soul after the storms have passed. All the bickering, the fighting causes waves that throw us off from our path that we've made for ourselves. A path or shall I say, "the path" that we, as husband and wife, have decided to walk on together. Side by side & hand in hand. The choice we made when we stood at that altar and committed to devote not just our lives together as one but our souls, our hearts, our minds and our realities to the other. And when we fight, that reality we made for ourselves becomes forked off into two paths instead of one, then we find ourselves off balance. Selfish and critical of the other. We cause the storm to kick us off the boat and drowning for a breath of air. We lose sight of what is most important, that we are committed to the other, and if one fails, we both fail. We have become so immersed as one that we don't and can't function one without the other. We find ourselves off balance when one is away from the other. So, never disconnect the cord, the lifeline we have decided to become a part of. One to another, and all this wouldn't have even been a reality if it were not all in the plan of the Father. The One who lives in our lives and has shown his great mercy when we are once again on the path he has created for us to walk on together. The path we chose, the path that was already there from way before we were even ready. And yet, here we are! We are on it, and have found the one our hearts love. We allow room for mistakes yet we learn to allow the grace of God to cover those pockets of holes left behind from the pain that's caused when we disconnect from the other. At this point, the safest bet isn't to disconnect anymore, as it once was in the past when we tried to connect to the wrong plugs (or people). But now, the safest way to not experience such pain caused by the other is to stay connected, one to the other, - loving the other for all they are and continually showering them with undeserving love and grace. Just as your heavenly Father has shown us. As my mom has always said, when hardships come, that becomes our cross to bear. We carry it through and nail our sins upon that cross. We do as Jesus has already done. Conquer it, defeat it, walk in its shame to find glory that lies before it. He has made the path, now follow. 

This past week can be summed up into one reality, one that I have never come to experience until now. Philippians 1:21, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." These words which were once just a "motto", becomes life itself. You breathe it, feel it in the depths of your soul, and live it. It is then that you face the heart of God in his grace and find that life itself is to live in it's reality, that to live is Christ and to die is gain. I have been given a taste of God's grace, and may I say, how sweet it is. 

Live Productivly

LIFE

In a mother’s womb were two babies. One asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?” The other replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”

The second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we can’t understand now.”

The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”

The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”

The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”

“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”

The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”

The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”

Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”

To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can hear Her loving voice, calling down from above.” - Útmutató a Léleknek