It was all a dream..

We fight, we love. It's life. Today he seems to have calmed down a lot. Today, he's alot more loving and back to normality. But man, when the guy is angry as F*#%- it's pretty much game overs for me. He's harmful and spiky like a porcupine. Someone wise once told me to see him as the victim. The one who needs more love than i do myself. He's the one who hasn't received much love from his parents so maybe that's why he is the way he is? A big baby sometimes and so that's why he so craves and needs that validation/acceptance & love, from me, his wife.  Yet, I find it most intriguing though- why he never settled down with anyone from his past? Women who I'm sure carried strengths I could never have myself, a calmness about them with patience that is characterized as virtues? Why when I came around-  how he knew that I'd be his last? "The One", or as he calls me, His Match. I still think about it day and night, what is was/is about me that keeps not just his interest but his devotion and perseverance. We both want out, at times, but in the end- we always tend to stick it through. But, I can't help to ask myself- Why? What keeps us together? Is it really, our love? Some say, love changes, and I have heard others say that, love fades and all you're left with in the end is a flawed person. Yet, when my emotions have passed, I sit here facing the man who cannot help but hurt me unintentionally and still I'm able to see a perfect man. The perfect man, for me. This time and every time we talk about splitting, leaving, or even seeing other people, I just cannot imagine myself doing that. I can't imagine giving myself to anyone as openly and as easily as I once have in my younger, more vulnerable years of my life. Now, as I'm approaching the door to my 30's, I'm more closed-minded, and won't allow myself to tolerate any bull-sh#%, in myself and from my marriage, including my husband. I demand myself loyalty & honesty. To give it and to receive it back in return. I feel myself shaving off a layer of the old and coming into some new skin. Like a snake sheds its old layer, so am I becoming someone new. Someone better for the world, myself, and most importantly, for my husband. Today, I step back from being that needy & insecure, can't live or do anything without you self, to the, I am content with myself and if it's really not me (as a whole) that you want to be with, then continue to base your life to that and move on.. But today, well technically, yesterday, He put me in my place by saying that he would not argue with me any longer and that I should know that, he would never ever leave me for anyone else. And, it has been re-iterated about a 1,000,000 x's.

This trip has really caused me to look at myself and evaluate the state of my heart and my mind. So my thoughts do dictate the outcome of my life. Negativity plays its role & brings down not just my life but my soul. Thinking positively does make one more grateful and forms me to become a more charming and loving person, a person that I intend to be. May I clothe myself with an exterior that covers me from allowing any negativity from outside sources from effecting my inside world- my thoughts, my feelings, my actions and reactions. I pray to find balance. To remain at a constant being. Being a strong woman, i find, entails one to have a rich inner life, wisdom that flows from the soul and allows others to grow in themselves the same qualities and characteristics that you have obtained yourself throughout the years. 

We live because that is what life is, learning, feeling, experiencing- and with everything that plays out, it all finds its place back to it's place. The soul, the mind, the heart. Today, I have found in myself a richness of growth and a calmness in my soul after the storms have passed. All the bickering, the fighting causes waves that throw us off from our path that we've made for ourselves. A path or shall I say, "the path" that we, as husband and wife, have decided to walk on together. Side by side & hand in hand. The choice we made when we stood at that altar and committed to devote not just our lives together as one but our souls, our hearts, our minds and our realities to the other. And when we fight, that reality we made for ourselves becomes forked off into two paths instead of one, then we find ourselves off balance. Selfish and critical of the other. We cause the storm to kick us off the boat and drowning for a breath of air. We lose sight of what is most important, that we are committed to the other, and if one fails, we both fail. We have become so immersed as one that we don't and can't function one without the other. We find ourselves off balance when one is away from the other. So, never disconnect the cord, the lifeline we have decided to become a part of. One to another, and all this wouldn't have even been a reality if it were not all in the plan of the Father. The One who lives in our lives and has shown his great mercy when we are once again on the path he has created for us to walk on together. The path we chose, the path that was already there from way before we were even ready. And yet, here we are! We are on it, and have found the one our hearts love. We allow room for mistakes yet we learn to allow the grace of God to cover those pockets of holes left behind from the pain that's caused when we disconnect from the other. At this point, the safest bet isn't to disconnect anymore, as it once was in the past when we tried to connect to the wrong plugs (or people). But now, the safest way to not experience such pain caused by the other is to stay connected, one to the other, - loving the other for all they are and continually showering them with undeserving love and grace. Just as your heavenly Father has shown us. As my mom has always said, when hardships come, that becomes our cross to bear. We carry it through and nail our sins upon that cross. We do as Jesus has already done. Conquer it, defeat it, walk in its shame to find glory that lies before it. He has made the path, now follow. 

This past week can be summed up into one reality, one that I have never come to experience until now. Philippians 1:21, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." These words which were once just a "motto", becomes life itself. You breathe it, feel it in the depths of your soul, and live it. It is then that you face the heart of God in his grace and find that life itself is to live in it's reality, that to live is Christ and to die is gain. I have been given a taste of God's grace, and may I say, how sweet it is. 

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